A Very Formal Interview

Preamble

December 2021.

At number 15.

A Wednesday.

Which is a school night. Though it is the last school night.

At the suggestion the visitation is coming to an end, I am spurred: “Oh! There’s just one more thing I want to do!”

An interview.

A fake interview - not a real one. I am an impostor. Anything I do, can never make me the noun-er of that thing. I can ‘verb it’ for a while, but never lay claim to any title of role.

Guilt.

This interview is so easy for me. It’s unfair! I have all my words written down. Ted has to make them up. Very unbalanced.

And these questions are hard. Open. Big. Very conceptual. Very abstract. Casting story prompts from grand philosophical ideas and flinging them at him;

“Relate these concepts to your experience! Now! Or Else!”

Or else what? Or else you’re weak-minded. Living low, living not in the golden light of the Best Thinkers we’ve ever known. If you succeed in spinning answers, your reward is now you can be part of ‘intelligent society’, or some other rubbish.

If you can fabricate stories on a demand, linking “principles” to experience, then you can be my friend. Subtext found?

Anyway.

We sit at your dining table. Our eating has dwindled, leaving the remains of two take-out Thai curries between us. There is only a small peach amoeba of curry left in my takeout container. Ted has a happy morning tea’s worth in his.

Extra rice is cooling in the pot - extra was made - Ted’s wisdom is not leaving our appetites to chance it on the rice portions given by the restaurant.

A familiar space.

Games and words. Games of words. Speech is a game. The magic space where hands might even become bags. Here I’ve introduced a game. There is no need for this interview - Just For Kicks.

…

    F
    U   A
    R   D
W I T H O U T
    H
    E
    R

The Interview

OK. We’re on.

Um. Hello.

Hello. It’s good to meet you.

Yes… Ok.

What.

Damn.

We need to get the pace going.

Pace pace pace pace pace. (starts drumming)

What do you have a strong opinion on?

aaaarrrmh. It’s such a hard question.

(Damn, it’s too hard.)

(what do I have a strong opinion on?)

The value of…

(beep! - as I press my watch)

(you timing me?)

Um, the, ooom. The value of, no… The importance of finding a purpose in life.

What is something you have changed your mind about?

Probably, something like, how much I should be concerned about the world at large. And, and, I should be more concerned about, like what’s in my immediate surroundings. That I can have an effect on.

I used to think that everything needed to be fixed at a global level. But now I, I just don’t care anymore.

Yip. Balance of global and local concerns.

Sorry I’m taking long to answer these.

No, you’re doing fantastic. The timing is to protect your time, not my time.

You live inside a coffee bean, with your tribe. Your life begins as the bean first forms. Your life ends when it is pulverised. What is your cosmology? Who are your gods?

Um. I don’t know, what is your cosmology.

(Or like your myths. Story about life.)

Perhaps like the ever expanding like, bean, you know, that you are live in, has a consistent expansion rate. And like, there will always be new ground to discover.

[Stern, finger-waggling voice] However; you must never go too close to the edge. Because the edge is oblivion.

And so I guess your gods are, the kind father who gives the bean warmth, and allows it’s growth and expansion, who showers it gives the bean nutrients. Of course, until it is pulverised.

Yeah.

Wow. I didn’t expect it to feel like it could fit this universe.

Do you have any opinions on windows?

Clearly I do. They’re great. I have plenty of puns, but ahh, I shouldn’t.

Something is to broccoli, what potato chips are to potatoes?

Char-coaled broccoli. With seasoning.

You have been allocated 100 square metres of Hagley park for public works project. You have been given some budget. What do you do?

How much is the budget?

What is a number?

$75,000

You get $750,000

Can I build up?

Yup

Maybe you could build some kind of self sustaining garden area. Where people can like come along and contribute to it.

Or maybe some kind of area for like mindfulness. Where if you are walking through the park, you just kind of detour off the path. And it’s like a maze.

And all through it there are these things being discussed; being presented to you. And they’re all very disjointed. And discordant. And so you get smatterings of different opinions as you walk through, and you walk back out. A bombarding of “this religion says”, “this thinker says”, “this academic…”.

You leave… and you think; “that was kind of weird”.

(5 minutes?)

We’re going longer!

Jacinda Arden is crashing on your couch tonight. What do you do?

I think she likes tea, so I’ll make a cup of tea.

I’ll probably just check in on her. See how she’s doing. She’s probably under a lot of stress.

Make sure she is warm enough. I’ll try and introduce her to the cat.

Just get her anything. Try and be an OK host, y’know?

Favourite answer?

Oooh. Definitely.

Right on!

Favourite (or up there) electronic tool that you dig? Whether it’s a hardware thing or a software thing.

Really loving bluetooth headphones recently. Yeah, that’s nice. No wires baby. Freedom.

Multiple choice question, You can:

A. Hold your breath for ten seconds

(he starts holding his breath)

B. Watch me hold my breath for ten seconds

C. All of the above

(nods at me)

(some time passes)

…I like breath holding.

I read a book on breathing. It’s called Breath. It’s really good. Super interesting.

Breath holding is fun. I have done 3 minutes before. Really fun to try.

Big fan. Breathing’s good.

Do you go to the supermarket?

I love the supermarket so yes. It is one of my favourite places.

What is the difference between music you like and the sound of construction as heard from a fourth storey library overlook?

(Tūranga inspired question isn’t it?)

There’s some level of repetition. But not necessarily..

But there’s enough interesting stuff going on to pique your interest.

Even if it’s just a slowly morphing thing. Or it can just be really hectic. Yeah, I like all kinds of music.

And I think that construction doesn’t have that kind of repetition necessarily.

There might be something going “Bang bang bang”. But there’s nothing accompanying it.

So there’s a beat, but nothing else happening.

So there’s nothing else accompanying it.

It needs a little bit of interplay. But there never seems to be.

That’s something the construction industry is really lacking - a bit of a rhythm section. A timing section.

Could be a bit of interplay between things.

Thank you for your time Ted.

All good.

END

Note¹

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